The People v. “I’m Almost There”
Court Clerk:
“All rise!”
“The Honourable Justice Common Sense presiding.”
Judge:
“Be seated.”
“Bailiff, please inspect the gallery.”
“Why are there twelve people wearing running shoes?”
Bailiff:
“They say they are preparing for the prosecution, My Lord.”
“Apparently, nobody trusts the accused to arrive on time.”
Judge:
“Fair enough.”
“Proceed.”
Court Clerk:
“Case No. 009. The People versus ‘I’m Almost There.'”
“Charge: Fraudulent representation of geographical proximity, reckless manipulation of waiting persons, and repeated abuse of the phrase ‘five minutes away.'”
Prosecutor:
“Ready for the People, My Lord.”
Counsel:
“Ready for the Defence.”
Judge:
“Bring in the accused.”
The accused enters the courtroom.
Prosecutor:
“My Lord, where exactly is the accused coming from?”
Accused:
“I’m almost there.”
The courtroom goes silent.
The Judge closes his eyes.
“That answer will be entered into evidence.”
The Case for the Prosecution
Prosecutor:
“My Lord, the People intend to establish that ‘I’m almost there’ is not a statement of fact.”
“It is a work of fiction.”
The Court Clerk projects the first piece of evidence.
TEXT MESSAGE
9:02 AM:
“I’m almost there.”
Prosecutor:
“At 9:02 AM, the victim was standing outside the agreed location.”
“At 9:15 AM, the accused had not arrived.”
“At 9:27 AM, another message was received.”
“Five minutes.”
The gallery groans.
Prosecutor:
“At 9:41 AM…”
“Traffic is crazy.”
“At 9:58 AM…”
“Where exactly are you guys?”
The Judge looks up.
“Wait.”
“The accused was asking them where they were?”
“Yes, My Lord.”
The gallery erupts.
Judge:
“Order!”
Exhibit A: The Towels on the Bed Injunction
Prosecutor:
“The People submit Exhibit A.”
A photograph appears on the courtroom screen.
A bedroom.
A towel lies on the bed.
A shirt is hanging from a chair.
One shoe is beside the door.
The other is nowhere to be found.
The gallery gasps.
Prosecutor:
“Google Maps location history places the accused at home when the first message was sent.”
The Judge looks at the Defence.
“Counsel?”
Counsel:
“My Lord, my client was mentally on the road.”
The Judge stares at him.
“Mentally?”
“Yes, My Lord.”
“He had begun the journey spiritually.”
The Defence
Counsel:
“My Lord, the prosecution is being unnecessarily literal.”
“The phrase ‘almost there’ is subjective.”
“Time is relative.”
“Distance is relative.”
“And, as quantum mechanics teaches us, particles can exist in multiple states simultaneously.”
The gallery murmurs.
Counsel:
“My client was therefore both at home and almost at the destination.”
The Judge slowly removes his glasses.
“Counsel, this is a punctuality case.”
“Not a physics conference.”
Counsel:
“With respect, My Lord, punctuality is itself a matter of perspective.”
The Judge bangs his gavel.
“Do not make me cite you for contempt of mathematics.”
The Traffic Motion
Prosecutor:
“The Defence may attempt to rely on Lagos traffic.”
“I move that the phrase ‘Lagos traffic is crazy’ be inadmissible where the accused was still in a bathrobe when the message was sent.”
Judge:
“Motion granted.”
The gallery applauds.
Judge:
“And for the avoidance of doubt, traffic begins when you enter traffic.”
“Not when you imagine traffic.”
The Witness
The Victim takes the stand.
Prosecutor:
“When the accused said ‘five minutes away,’ what did you understand?”
Victim:
“That I had five minutes left to wait.”
“And how long did you actually wait?”
“Forty-three minutes.”
The Prosecutor nods.
“And when the accused finally arrived?”
The Victim sighs.
“He said, ‘Sorry, I thought I was closer.'”
The gallery groans.
Judge:
“That statement has been heard by this Court far too many times.”
The Judgment
Justice Common Sense leans forward.
“The Court accepts that traffic happens.”
“Keys disappear.”
“Elevators take too long.”
“Directions fail.”
“Life happens.”
“But the Court must distinguish between actual proximity and aspirational proximity.”
“Actual proximity means you are close.”
“Aspirational proximity means you have every intention of becoming close.”
The gallery laughs.
“Unfortunately, the accused has repeatedly presented aspiration as fact.”
The Judge looks directly at the defendant.
“If you are still looking for your keys, say so.”
“If you are entering the shower, say so.”
“If you have not left the house, do not tell someone you are five minutes away.”
“Honesty may make you late.”
“But lying about your location makes someone else late too.”
The Judge raises his gavel.
“The accused, ‘I’m Almost There,’ is found…”
GUILTY of Aggravated Aspirational Proximity.
Sentence is hereby passed:
The accused is prohibited from using the phrase ‘five minutes away’ unless Google Maps confirms an estimated arrival time of five minutes or less.
Furthermore, anyone caught saying ‘I’m almost there’ while still at home shall be required to send a photographic proof-of-departure.”
The Judge pauses.
“Bathroom selfies will not be accepted.”
Bang.
The Principle of the Court:
“Do not give someone a distance when all you have is an intention.”
“Being late is forgivable.”
“Making someone wait inside a lie is not.”
Court is adjourned.
Next Week Before This Honourable Court…
Case No. 010: The People v. “Let’s Catch Up Soon.”
The prosecution alleges that the accused has been saying this sentence since 2019 without ever proposing a date, time or location.
The Defence intends to argue that “soon” is an elastic concept and that several social relationships have survived entirely on its continued ambiguity.
The Court will determine whether “Let’s Catch Up Soon” constitutes a genuine invitation, a polite farewell, or the longest-running unpaid subscription in modern friendship.
Proceedings continue next week.
People need to start paying heavy fines for every extra minute of waiting outside the “five minutes away: Haaaaaa from 5 minutes to 43 minutes of waiting is diabolical
I agree with you – inshort, what is your suggested rate?
Good judgement.
I used to be both the accused and defendant, depending on the day and situation. These days, I’m mostly the defendant because no need saying I’m almost there if I’m not. In other words, I am no longer scared of arriving late.
😂😂 The Court appreciates this evidence of rehabilitation.
There is considerable wisdom in no longer being afraid of arriving late. Sometimes it is better to say, “I am running late,” and arrive honestly than to be “almost there” for forty-three minutes.
The Court therefore commends the Defendant for choosing truth over geographical fiction.
Case closed.
I can imagine.
Double offense: five minutes away and then “Lagos traffic. Which part of Lagos exactly? You ask for location then hears “ trust me, I’m close by”
How close are you?
Accused: you’ll see me now now.
“I’m five minutes away” has caused
severe and unnecessary distress to the innocent party.
Heard “I’m almost there” and immediately gets excited or something, only to discover that “almost” apparently means somewhere in another local government area. 😭
Repeated phone checking, checks the road… checks the phone, checks the time, checks WhatsApp, checks the road again, as though the accused might suddenly materialise from thin air. And somehow five minutes turnes 45 minutes.
Being honest enough builds trust and
make people believe your word. Repeated “five minutes” that turns into 45 minutes and more can damage credibility.
Is Honourable Justice Common Sense familiar with this case?🥲 the sentence is fragile.
After carefully reviewing the overwhelming evidence, from traumatised witnesses,
I think the accused should be sentenced to:
1. Immediate surrender of all rights to use the phrase “I’m five minutes away” until further notice.
2. Mandatory provision of LIVE LOCATION whenever there’s claim to be almost there.
3. Community service:
The accused shall spend one full day waiting for someone who repeatedly says “I’m five minutes away.”
This is to help in understanding the magnitude of the crime.😭😂⚖️
Next Case…
😂😂😂 I think we should all thank God that you are not Honourable Justice Common Sense.
Because after reading this submission, I suspect the accused would not be leaving that courtroom anytime soon. 😭😂
The Court is particularly concerned by your proposed community service. One full day waiting for someone who repeatedly says “five minutes away” may, in fact, constitute cruel and unusual punishment. 😂
And the LIVE LOCATION provision? Bold.
I must, however, commend the witness for presenting such overwhelming evidence. Repeated road checks, WhatsApp checks, time checks and the eventual discovery that “almost there” meant another Local Government Area have clearly strengthened the People’s case.
Perhaps the Honourable Justice will consider these submissions when the Court revisits the matter…
Although, given the evidence before us, I suspect the accused may already have been placed on geographical probation. ⚖️😂